Camping Chronicles

Get a brew and strap in team....this is a loooooooong one!!

My one and only experience of camping was aged 6, the back garden of my great aunts house on Hayling Island. It was bloody freezing and I was convinced I was going to be eaten by a wolf. The famous wolf of Hayling obvs!*side eye the camera* Yes, OK, I was a over imaginative and dare I say dramatic child but this formed my opinion that camping was never going to be for me. I mean the 'outside'.....NO!

Friends have banged on about the joys for years, the freedom, waking up in the fresh air, the beers around camp fires, the camp fires themselves but what I hear when they say this is, SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR, COMMUNAL BATHROOMS AND CLOSE PROXIMITY TO SLEEPING/SNORING STRANGERS. The abject horror! Not for me!

Now I don't want you to think I'm some kind of high maintenance princess, I just like walls to my sleeping quarters and my own shower in the morning and preferably access to a kettle for that first and very necessary coffee without having to go outside in the, and lets be honest, very likely pissing rain.

Fast forward to July 2018. We're out for a couple of drinks with the team and, I'm not sure I can stress this enough, they forcibly got me drunk and made me agree to go camping!! Outrageous....!!

Here's how the hungover conversation went the next morning

Me: 'I have a feeling I agreed to something terrible last night?'
The North: 'YES! Camping!"
ME: 'I'm sorry, I thought you said camping there for a minute! HA HA hilarious! What really happened?'
The North: 'No really...camping with the team. I'm SO excited!!'
Me: 'I am aghast...can I retract?'
The North: 'No!!!'

When I recovered from the hangover and frankly, the shock, I see that a Facebook group has already been created (so thoroughly modern) and I find myself accepting the invitation. I then find myself asking searching questions like, 'Should I buy camping chairs? What about a kettle? Wait, are there mirrors? Christ, will I be able to wash and dry my hair?' Endless yet important questions! (Yes they are!)

We borrowed the tent and airbed from the ring leaders of 'forced' camping (and I am eternally gratefully as spending approx 1 million pounds on something that I wasn't keen on seemed insane!) I just needed to source the fluff stuff. I have to say I really loved sourcing this....picnic blankets, picnic sets, cool boxes, torches, lamps, chairs, cosy blankets for the sub-zero night-time temps, travel minis (OMG I LOVE A TRAVEL MINI!).....and the booze (My plan is to drink through the whole sorry affair!)

The Plan: Two nights away, about an hour away from home (So I can escape if I found the whole thing appalling!).

The Team: 6 adults, 2 boys and 1 puppy.

I did some extensive research on the campsite which allayed my fears about the shared bathroom situation, individual cubicles, none of this communal lark...I mean, its not the army! I've also had a realisation...it is thus....my bench mark for being able to deal with ALL THE THINGS is showering and drying my hair, which seems so ridiculous when I write it down but hey, I just like to be clean. (And I purchased some very glamorous jelly sliders for the shower just so any bacterial infections are kept at bay! Dramatic you say?)

The campsite has good reviews, people seems to return and two of our lot have been before so I'm thinking....this cannot be that bad, people wouldn't do it again! Is that sense of excitement I can feel? What is happening? Am I already drunk?

Off we went to collect the tent and do the food/booze (BOOZE!) run and we're all ready. I say ready...I'm mean D-READY!

Day 1 - Friday afternoon/evening

We're packed to the gunnels, we have petrol and a playlist and we set off. We arrive around at the site about an hour later and see manic waving from the the first set of arrivals. The boys are slightly stir crazy...I hear you beasts, I feel the same...CRAZY! We sign in, get over to the pitch and set about erecting (HA) the Beige Beast....the wind was blowing a hooley but undeterred we crack on, Fff-ing and Geoff-ing the entire time, tent pegs are stupid and should not to built to bend!!! And we broke a mallet! (Sorry R & D....a new one incoming!)

We're up, we're unpacked, we help the others with the erecting (HA...stop it!) and our Keggs went off to investigate hiring a fire pit....all the mod cons!

So I find myself sat in a field with my pals, a red wine, a fire pit, I've investigated the bathroom situation, so far so good and I have this sense of, well......happiness. It wasn't half bad and a picnic for dins. YASSS!

Night 1 was a success.....I'm going to love this!

Day 2 - Saturday

OH HOLY JESUS...red wine hangovers! I can only assume that sleeping outside caused this and who the bloody hell was snoring all night and why was I so bloody cold?! I stomp off for a shower to help! (It's 7:30am I think, it can't be busy.....HAHAHAHA....seasoned campers laugh at my naivety)

Approximately 50,000 women and children are queuing to use the 3 showers provided. I mean COME ON....3 showers! 'This is going to be horrific' I think! There were signs everywhere asking people to mop the floors after use but as people are basically disgusting, not one person did this. I asked the lady behind me if she wanted me to perform a quick swish over but she just carried on in. The horror!

It was a steam room of filth! It was a soup of hair! A cauldron of mud and suds! I wanted to cry and thank little baby Cheesus I bought the jelly sliders...! The absolute PITS!

I got in and out as quickly as humanly possible and made my way back to the tent....there was NO WAY was I staying in there a second longer so the hair was going to have to dry naturally, the bee's nest barnet of glamour!

I should probably mention at this point I had a slight breakdown and hissed 'NEVER AGAIN' to the The North who, sensibly made a sharp exit whilst I composed myself and tried to slap on some CC cream and a bit of bronzer....(you can't let standards completely slip!) but alas to no avail as I was sweaty mess, I looked and felt dreadful, it was the only point of the whole weekend I really wanted to leave. I needed to get a grip!

Glossing over that, the rest of the day was an absolute delight. Bacon rolls, team cricket or 'Footbat' as I invented due to my appalling sporting skills, chin-wagging, sitting in the sun, having a bit of read whilst there was some snoozing, drinking copious coffees then red wine, pizza for dins, more fire pit action and general larks. It was just fab...I can genuinely say I loved it and can completely understand why people do this all the time.

Day 3 - Sunday and home time

I woke up early as the wind was crazy and super loud, sleep deprived I decided as we're off home and had to dismantle a colony of tents not to face the shower trauma but still I legged it over to the bathroom, cleaned my face and teeth....this time, no one in there. I side eyed the whole room!

Back at the tents for a brew, a cheese roll and the packing. We got our tent down with minimal effort or fuss and helped with the others, drop and roll was our preferred method and the little boys loved jumping about getting the air out of the beds and one of the tents (A fancy blow up number....well impressive!). The wind was an interesting hindrance but team effort wins and we made it, all packed up and ready to go and thus end the camping trip. Home to 50 showers!!

Would I go again you ask? YES...I 100% would.

There are many things I'd do differently. There are definitely things I would need to take (electric hook up, a hand fan, more warm clothing, a bathroom cleaner, some sheep dip...!) and also things that weren't that important (vegetable consumption for example, over 2 days it was basically ketchup and a mushroom on the pizza!) but for a cheap weekend trip away with pals it was ace, the best but obviously if anyone wants to go away for a weekend in a cottage instead then I would probably prefer that. (Look...I am NOT a princess.....WALLS!)

Bear Grylls I am not but hear this...I have been looking at tents online! WHO AM I!!!!!!!?????