In the aftermath of what I will call 'that week in June were I lost all sense of what was right and normal' I can say (not that I haven't complained LOUDLY
throughout) that heat is not acceptable!
I'm not talking about the pleasant, sunny warmth with a soothing breeze we all remember from our youth. Those delicious days where you can sit in the garden with a drink of your choice, passing the time with loved ones, laughing like drains and ending the day in a haze of tanned skin and memories. I'm talking about the foul, oppressive 'hottest June day since 76', disgusting, sweat inducing, hair ruining, mascara bleeding, all clothes are too many clothes, VILE CAULDRON LIKE HEAT we have had to endure this last week.
I say NO! The first thing I'd do as leader of the free world is ban it (yes, I do realise the irony of that statement but BAN IT!) Compulsory air con everywhere!
What is it with the weather here? Why cant it get it's shiz together? Bloody humidity!! The twat clings to us like an annoying, whingy, clammy child.
The more time I'm forced to endure the desperate heat the more I'm convinced of some kind of Viking heritage back in the day.....I am clearly a northern European, built for the cold, I want fire and hearty stews in the freezing cold, blankets and candles and Hygge (as the cool people do). I do not want sweat and flies trying to infect my endlessly limp salads with their maggoty eggs. MISERY!
It doesn't help that our ridiculous country is in no way prepared for the summer, every building is designed to keep heat in and cold out. My own home is a prime example. A first floor flat, the top floor of the building, the penthouse if you will. Built in 1973 and re-insulated when I bought it in 2006, had a resting temperature of 32 degrees at 7:30am on Wednesday morning. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? And I had to use the hairdryer! Abysmal!
It is also impossible to buy air conditioning here. We have fans, I have three of them strategically placed to sodding well move hot air from one place to another in a useless attempt to fool us into thinking they're actually keeping us cool. The situation is ridiculous....the only saving grace is the knowledge that our daft weather will return to hailing and torrential rain in a few days and all will be well. Obviously it'll still be bloody muggy *death stares the camera*
As a footnote I am aware that some of you insane people actively enjoy this weather pattern of peril. I don't understand you and never will and I can only assume you are some kind of dangerous masochist. You can keep your humid horror to your reptilian like selves....if you want me I'll be the the nearest air conned building, refusing to leave.
SNOGS (and ice....lots of ice!)
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