Camping Chronicles

Get a brew and strap in team....this is a loooooooong one!!

My one and only experience of camping was aged 6, the back garden of my great aunts house on Hayling Island. It was bloody freezing and I was convinced I was going to be eaten by a wolf. The famous wolf of Hayling obvs!*side eye the camera* Yes, OK, I was a over imaginative and dare I say dramatic child but this formed my opinion that camping was never going to be for me. I mean the 'outside'.....NO!

Friends have banged on about the joys for years, the freedom, waking up in the fresh air, the beers around camp fires, the camp fires themselves but what I hear when they say this is, SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR, COMMUNAL BATHROOMS AND CLOSE PROXIMITY TO SLEEPING/SNORING STRANGERS. The abject horror! Not for me!

Now I don't want you to think I'm some kind of high maintenance princess, I just like walls to my sleeping quarters and my own shower in the morning and preferably access to a kettle for that first and very necessary coffee without having to go outside in the, and lets be honest, very likely pissing rain.

Fast forward to July 2018. We're out for a couple of drinks with the team and, I'm not sure I can stress this enough, they forcibly got me drunk and made me agree to go camping!! Outrageous....!!

Here's how the hungover conversation went the next morning

Me: 'I have a feeling I agreed to something terrible last night?'
The North: 'YES! Camping!"
ME: 'I'm sorry, I thought you said camping there for a minute! HA HA hilarious! What really happened?'
The North: 'No really...camping with the team. I'm SO excited!!'
Me: 'I am aghast...can I retract?'
The North: 'No!!!'

When I recovered from the hangover and frankly, the shock, I see that a Facebook group has already been created (so thoroughly modern) and I find myself accepting the invitation. I then find myself asking searching questions like, 'Should I buy camping chairs? What about a kettle? Wait, are there mirrors? Christ, will I be able to wash and dry my hair?' Endless yet important questions! (Yes they are!)

We borrowed the tent and airbed from the ring leaders of 'forced' camping (and I am eternally gratefully as spending approx 1 million pounds on something that I wasn't keen on seemed insane!) I just needed to source the fluff stuff. I have to say I really loved sourcing this....picnic blankets, picnic sets, cool boxes, torches, lamps, chairs, cosy blankets for the sub-zero night-time temps, travel minis (OMG I LOVE A TRAVEL MINI!).....and the booze (My plan is to drink through the whole sorry affair!)

The Plan: Two nights away, about an hour away from home (So I can escape if I found the whole thing appalling!).

The Team: 6 adults, 2 boys and 1 puppy.

I did some extensive research on the campsite which allayed my fears about the shared bathroom situation, individual cubicles, none of this communal lark...I mean, its not the army! I've also had a realisation...it is thus....my bench mark for being able to deal with ALL THE THINGS is showering and drying my hair, which seems so ridiculous when I write it down but hey, I just like to be clean. (And I purchased some very glamorous jelly sliders for the shower just so any bacterial infections are kept at bay! Dramatic you say?)

The campsite has good reviews, people seems to return and two of our lot have been before so I'm thinking....this cannot be that bad, people wouldn't do it again! Is that sense of excitement I can feel? What is happening? Am I already drunk?

Off we went to collect the tent and do the food/booze (BOOZE!) run and we're all ready. I say ready...I'm mean D-READY!

Day 1 - Friday afternoon/evening

We're packed to the gunnels, we have petrol and a playlist and we set off. We arrive around at the site about an hour later and see manic waving from the the first set of arrivals. The boys are slightly stir crazy...I hear you beasts, I feel the same...CRAZY! We sign in, get over to the pitch and set about erecting (HA) the Beige Beast....the wind was blowing a hooley but undeterred we crack on, Fff-ing and Geoff-ing the entire time, tent pegs are stupid and should not to built to bend!!! And we broke a mallet! (Sorry R & D....a new one incoming!)

We're up, we're unpacked, we help the others with the erecting (HA...stop it!) and our Keggs went off to investigate hiring a fire pit....all the mod cons!

So I find myself sat in a field with my pals, a red wine, a fire pit, I've investigated the bathroom situation, so far so good and I have this sense of, well......happiness. It wasn't half bad and a picnic for dins. YASSS!

Night 1 was a success.....I'm going to love this!

Day 2 - Saturday

OH HOLY JESUS...red wine hangovers! I can only assume that sleeping outside caused this and who the bloody hell was snoring all night and why was I so bloody cold?! I stomp off for a shower to help! (It's 7:30am I think, it can't be busy.....HAHAHAHA....seasoned campers laugh at my naivety)

Approximately 50,000 women and children are queuing to use the 3 showers provided. I mean COME ON....3 showers! 'This is going to be horrific' I think! There were signs everywhere asking people to mop the floors after use but as people are basically disgusting, not one person did this. I asked the lady behind me if she wanted me to perform a quick swish over but she just carried on in. The horror!

It was a steam room of filth! It was a soup of hair! A cauldron of mud and suds! I wanted to cry and thank little baby Cheesus I bought the jelly sliders...! The absolute PITS!

I got in and out as quickly as humanly possible and made my way back to the tent....there was NO WAY was I staying in there a second longer so the hair was going to have to dry naturally, the bee's nest barnet of glamour!

I should probably mention at this point I had a slight breakdown and hissed 'NEVER AGAIN' to the The North who, sensibly made a sharp exit whilst I composed myself and tried to slap on some CC cream and a bit of bronzer....(you can't let standards completely slip!) but alas to no avail as I was sweaty mess, I looked and felt dreadful, it was the only point of the whole weekend I really wanted to leave. I needed to get a grip!

Glossing over that, the rest of the day was an absolute delight. Bacon rolls, team cricket or 'Footbat' as I invented due to my appalling sporting skills, chin-wagging, sitting in the sun, having a bit of read whilst there was some snoozing, drinking copious coffees then red wine, pizza for dins, more fire pit action and general larks. It was just fab...I can genuinely say I loved it and can completely understand why people do this all the time.

Day 3 - Sunday and home time

I woke up early as the wind was crazy and super loud, sleep deprived I decided as we're off home and had to dismantle a colony of tents not to face the shower trauma but still I legged it over to the bathroom, cleaned my face and teeth....this time, no one in there. I side eyed the whole room!

Back at the tents for a brew, a cheese roll and the packing. We got our tent down with minimal effort or fuss and helped with the others, drop and roll was our preferred method and the little boys loved jumping about getting the air out of the beds and one of the tents (A fancy blow up number....well impressive!). The wind was an interesting hindrance but team effort wins and we made it, all packed up and ready to go and thus end the camping trip. Home to 50 showers!!

Would I go again you ask? YES...I 100% would.

There are many things I'd do differently. There are definitely things I would need to take (electric hook up, a hand fan, more warm clothing, a bathroom cleaner, some sheep dip...!) and also things that weren't that important (vegetable consumption for example, over 2 days it was basically ketchup and a mushroom on the pizza!) but for a cheap weekend trip away with pals it was ace, the best but obviously if anyone wants to go away for a weekend in a cottage instead then I would probably prefer that. (Look...I am NOT a princess.....WALLS!)

Bear Grylls I am not but hear this...I have been looking at tents online! WHO AM I!!!!!!!?????

Inhale, Exhale and Try Not To Fall Over - Yoga for Beginner's

On Sunday 3rd September 2017 at 5:30pm I started a new THING. A beginner’s yoga class in a small community centre with a frankly adorable teacher. We were a group of 13 or so ladies, we were all slightly awkward, no one wanted to talk, no one wanted to draw attention, it was clear that no one had done this before or if they had, it was basic.

Now, I have done yoga before, a class in the gym I'm a member (not an active member obvs...I'm currently working on the idea that by simply paying for it means I'm somehow benefiting physically and spiritually. Just shhhh, it’s something I need to work on!)  

The class was not great! Run by a teeny tiny pocket rocket that spent most of her time flirting with the muscle-heads who were straight out the weights room, stinking and sweaty. I turned up much to their horror in my plus size joggers and t-shirt bum cover-er and hid in the corner.....it was waaaaaay to advanced for me, there was zero interaction or help, it wasn't a pleasant experience and funnily enough I didn't go back. 

Next up and in a more necessary case due to an annoying back issue I was advised to try Pilates. Ten four....found a class, in the village I grew up with a pleasant teacher BUT full of the older ladies I'd grown up with letting out long, loud farts!! OK I get it, the exercises make this happen but I can't, I cannot sit in a class with ladies I've know my entire life gently guffing away without becoming completely and ridiculously hysterical. To make things worse I was there with two of my pals who were equally in pieces, crying with laughter....I'm surprised we didn't get run out of there for being 30-odd going on 8! I liked the class and the Pilates itself was great but still...we only lasted a few sessions. Yes!! I am a fitness commitment-phobe! 

However, I've been feeling of late that in my great age I should begin to at least think about doing something to keep me fit and as previously mentioned I'm attempting to get back to the expensive drain on my resources or as other people call it, the gym. When I say get back to it, I mean the pool and swimming not the actual gym. I just resent that sweat-box and find those Lycra-clad wonders terrifying - this is not me being judgmental, this is a genuine dread. How do they manage to stay so moisture free and elegant when I resemble a sweltering tomato with gland default?!! 

Anyway anyway anyway 

I found the new class due to an ad on good old Faceballs, you know the ones where it shows that 15 of your friend like this yoga group, vets, clothing brand and or more concerning Persil (I mean, why would you? I think FB lies!!) 

The group was advertising, due to demand (a good start!), a new mixed ability group and a beginner’s class. Hold up I think....this sounds right up my street, local, not too expensive, convenient time slot and a purely beginners class. We'll all be in the same boat....no scary pros and their bendy bums putting us to shame. I emailed the dude, registered and dug out my old Pilates mat and rushed out to buy some new cover all issues tops. I'm set!!

Sunday rolls around....I wait all day and I find myself getting progressively more apprehensive. I am not a natural worrier so this is unusual but I know what this is. This is my stupid head being stupid about daft things. 'I'll have to tell him about the back thing, will everyone there be much fitter than me (more than likely!), I bet I'm the only fat one, I bet no one else will sweat their cobs off, what if I can't do the poses, I seriously need to get there early to get a spot at the back! CRAP...can I even use my Pilates mat for yoga?! On and on and on...my head was doing my own head in! 

I got a grip on myself, we had a chat and I ended it by repeating 'Remember! It’s a beginner’s class for a reason and no one else cares about the size of your arse, they're all far too worried about their own!'

Obvs I arrive 40mins early.....no one is there, not even the class leader, still, I parked up and looked keen. We finally made it in, there was some awkward 'Oh hi, have you done this before?' small talk with a couple of ladies then we found our spots and for once in my life I didn't hide at the back. I hid at the side of the room but shut it....it is not the back! Progress!

The teacher who was a delight, put us at ease by saying yoga is for everyone regardless of size, gender, age, race, ability and we should never compare ourselves to anyone, do what your body is happy with. I rather think this is an attitude we should all take on and live our lives with at all points.

We did a few 'Oms' and cracked on.

Things that happened. 

*I couldn't do all the poses but that was fine. I did what my body could and it’s a work in progress, right?

*I was the fattest in the room by a country mile but ho hum I normally am and as I'm getting older I'm trying to wear it like a badge of honour. (This is for another post!)

*I sweated like an absolute sweat monster in sauna but I guess that's actually the point, your body is working, right? I had a towel thank GOD! 

* I had a moment of slight hysteria in the middle of the meditation chant bit at the end (I cannot be serious! Ever!)

*I cannot balance AT ALL

*But mostly......I HAD A LOVELY TIME

Things that did not happen

*AT NO POINT WAS ANYONE MEAN OR A TWAT OR JUDGMENTAL 

and

*No one farted (much to my disappointment really)

It’s safe to say I loved it and will be going back and back and back. An hour of yoga and bit of relaxation was ace. It helped banish the Sunday Night Dread and sets you up for the week and if I could have moved on Monday night I would have gone swimming but that's a lesson in itself.....Don't be too gung ho on your first session Kate....you idiot! 

Sweaty Post-Yoga Face

Namaste Bitches x

Places I Love - The Hull Edition

Rugby to Hull. Not an obvious journey but one I've been making at least twice a month for the last 3 years. Long distance relationships take to places you might never go!

An easy if lengthy journey from the middle of the Midlands to the muddy banks of the Humber, the Northeast coast, a journey where I can listen to my favourite podcasts for a good few hours and this is where the charm begins with Hull.

There are many reasons to love a place not least because of excellent people you know that live there and Hull in totality is a place FULL of excellent people. I have never been to a friendlier place. Shops, streets, neighbours, petrol stations, taxi's, restaurants, pubs, family members and their friends, everyone is a joy. Cheerful, funny, interesting and interested. Always mildly teasing in an overwhelmingly welcoming way, even if they do take the piss out of your accent "is that your posh voice?" An absolute delight....you are immediately at ease.

In the year that Hull has been the City of Culture the number of people visiting has shot up - people are discovering the unmitigated joys that can be found. Obviously the injection of cash to regenerate the city has helped and I've seen quite a dramatic transformation in the short time I've been visiting. Newland Avenue, the Marina and Humber Street are super cool and in my opinion can rival the bigger more popular places in the country. Hipster chic (Christ almighty, I actually just typed that....I apologise!) and a gin bar with table service - Oh god, yes please!! Although my advice is to stand up once in a while when there, you have no idea how potent those gins can be and after an evening of people bringing you drinks, standing up and falling straight over is a very distinct possibility!

The city has a delicious mix of old and new, the museum quarter is easily one of my favourite parts, cobbled streets that breathe history, you can almost hear the wooden carts laden with produce straight from the boats. Then, right up the road is The Deep, a futuristic mirrored glass and metal marvel that was built to resemble a whale rising from the waves. It houses an aquarium and penguins...I bloody love a penguin and these guys are, well, very penguin-y. 

History, like love (as Marti Pellow sang and yes, The Troggs too but I'm not THAT old!) is all around in Hull and here are a few nuggets

• They flipped the bird at Charles I, basically kicking off the Civil War when he outrageously attempted to take over the cities arsenal. No chance pal!!
• HMS Bounty was built in 1748 - that went bloody miles across the Pacific and had a mutiny (seriously I'm not going into it....look it up if you must)
• William Wilberforce, MP, wit, abolitionist, and all round cool dude was a Hullensian. His part in the movement to abolish slavery was very significant. The bill to ban slavery in the British Empire was passed in 1833 three days before he died. There is a museum dedicated to him which is really interesting. There is also a festival held every year named in his honour. The Freedom Festival
• Hull was almost fully flattened thanks to bombing raids in WW2. It was the most heavily bombed UK city after London

OK lesson over and yes.....I do realise I am a nerd but this is the stuff of dreams for me so Shhhhh! 

Anyway, anyway, anyway.

Present day Hull now exports culture. It has a life force all of its own...a unique style, festivals galore, music most nights, art and galleries. The Ferens Gallery is hosting the 2017 Turner Prize - Brilliant. Whilst we're on the subject, The Ferens Gallery is not only one of my favourite places in Hull but in the UK. It has brilliant, interesting and unusual permanent pieces and unique temporary exhibitions and its free - ACE

Sport is a thing too....it's also a thing I am wholly unqualified to talk about and any information I have gleaned about this has come from the rants of the man-friend. It is thus - 2 Rugby League teams (none of that wet southern Union game where they just hug each other!) and 1 football team. I have also learnt that Rovers are king, City's owners are twat's and 'NO....you are not allowed to cheer for the black and white team Kate, I don't care that you like their team colours, they are the enemy!!' Calm down dear!

As the eagle eyed amongst you may have gathered, the man-friend is a full on, born and bred East Yorkshire Hullensian so I get a good insider guide to the city and all its glory. I get taken to the places the locals go and isn't that always the best way. I spend a good deal of time in Hull and it gets better and better, there is always something new and yet nothing changes and I like that. The adoption of changes seems to be fluid, like nothing phases Hull and her residents, they just crack, cheerfully as the always have.

I highly recommend a visit and if you time it well, I'll meet you on Humber Street for a beer and/or a gin and a wander. Whatever your preconceptions are, dissolve them. Hull is bloody great.

As the locals say 'get yoursen' 'ere'

City of Culture
Visit Hull
Hull Museums
The Sesh
Fruit Market

A Heat Induced Breakdown

In the aftermath of what I will call 'that week in June were I lost all sense of what was right and normal' I can say (not that I haven't complained LOUDLY throughout) that heat is not acceptable!

I'm not talking about the pleasant, sunny warmth with a soothing breeze we all remember from our youth. Those delicious days where you can sit in the garden with a drink of your choice, passing the time with loved ones, laughing like drains and ending the day in a haze of tanned skin and memories. I'm talking about the foul, oppressive 'hottest June day since 76', disgusting, sweat inducing, hair ruining, mascara bleeding, all clothes are too many clothes, VILE CAULDRON LIKE HEAT we have had to endure this last week. 

I say NO! The first thing I'd do as leader of the free world is ban it (yes, I do realise the irony of that statement but BAN IT!) Compulsory air con everywhere!

What is it with the weather here? Why cant it get it's shiz together? Bloody humidity!! The twat clings to us like an annoying, whingy, clammy child.

The more time I'm forced to endure the desperate heat the more I'm convinced of some kind of Viking heritage back in the day.....I am clearly a northern European, built for the cold, I want fire and hearty stews in the freezing cold, blankets and candles and Hygge (as the cool people do). I do not want sweat and flies trying to infect my endlessly limp salads with their maggoty eggs. MISERY! 

It doesn't help that our ridiculous country is in no way prepared for the summer, every building is designed to keep heat in and cold out. My own home is a prime example. A first floor flat, the top floor of the building, the penthouse if you will. Built in 1973 and re-insulated when I bought it in 2006, had a resting temperature of 32 degrees at 7:30am on Wednesday morning. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? And I had to use the hairdryer! Abysmal!

It is also impossible to buy air conditioning here. We have fans, I have three of them strategically placed to sodding well move hot air from one place to another in a useless attempt to fool us into thinking they're actually keeping us cool. The situation is ridiculous....the only saving grace is the knowledge that our daft weather will return to hailing and torrential rain in a few days and all will be well. Obviously it'll still be bloody muggy *death stares the camera*

As a footnote I am aware that some of you insane people actively enjoy this weather pattern of peril. I don't understand you and never will and I can only assume you are some kind of dangerous masochist. You can keep your humid horror to your reptilian like selves....if you want me I'll be the the nearest air conned building, refusing to leave. 

SNOGS (and ice....lots of ice!)

The War Paint Removals

In the second and thankfully last instalment of 'things what I bought' we're gonna talk about cleansing. 

As I mentioned in the last post, the nightly 'deslap' is my favourite part of the day. That feeling of clean, the removal of the war paint and the days dirt, the healthy glow as my skin soaks up the plethora of unguents I smooth in....its delightful. To this end I am always on the hunt for a great cleanser to get rid of the grime.

I have favourites, Clinique Take The Day Off balm and Ren Hot Cloth Cleanser. Absolute dreams! They do their job SO well that really I shouldn't ever bother with anything else but as we know, a beauty junkie is never satisfied and sometimes I like to try a few more budget friendly options. (Just to warn you, I'll probably do a post at some point with the ones I love)

First up is the Boots Botanics Hot Cloth Cleansing Balm. 

Now then, I LOVE a balm. I love that the solid, opaque salve that turns into an oil on your face and removes make up like a dream and when mixed with water, cleanly wipes off (with a flannel....old school style, none of this muslin cloth nonsense!) leaving zero oily residue. 

This is NOT that! This is like putting a slap of cold animal fat on your skin. It’s doesn't remove make up or emulsify in water, I literally had to scrap it off....horrific! 

Second up is the Boot Botanics All Bright Gentle Cleansing Cream. Now this I do like. It’s a great second cleanse, a pretty liquidy cream that smells amazing that doesn't sting my eyes or leave my skin shiny tight plus it’s a bargainous £2.50! Thanks you very much! There's not much more to say, it’s good, I would buy it again but as I say, only as a second cleanse, it’s not great at getting off my mascara. 

The third is the Simple Hydrating Cleansing Oil. This literally does what it says. 'dissolve impurities, removing make-up, leaving your skin clean and instantly hydrated'. It’s a simple oil cleanser made with pure grape seed oil enriched with vitamin A and E. It made light work of my full face of slap, no stingy eyes, no greasy, oily residue and obviously as it’s a Simple product there no added fragrance. This is going straight into my favourites and it costs £6.99. I think it would last an age as you really do only need a few drops for it to works its magic. Go forth and buy!   

Onto the make-up purchases. I was abstemious....very restrained only buy three items. This is progress I think! 

OK!! I can see that some might think those two lippies are the same colour....but there is a subtle difference. Honest! The top one, Gosh Velvet Touch Lipstick in Shocking Coral and the bottom one is Rimmel Kate Moss Matte Lipstick in Vibrant Coral. Shocking is very different to Vibrant. IT IS!!! 

The Gosh one has INCREDIBLE staying power. I can make it through until at least 4pm, through copious coffees and lunch and it’s still there. It’s a good rich coral colour and a full on matte formula. Its blimmin ace! This was £7.99 and I would 100% buy it again.

The Rimmel one is a good colour but it’s not matte despite the title. It’s more moisturising that the Gosh one though but only it last until you've had your first cuppa of the day. It’s definitely one you need to reapply throughout the day. Its £5.49 and meh....I'll stick with the Gosh one. 

OK...last thing I promise! NYX Professional Makeup Slide on Eye Pencil in Jet Black. Literally a simple black eye liner, they really are much of a muchness aren't they. This is a good dark black. It lasts well on my eye lid but not long on the waterline (where I tend to wear eye liner everyday) so I dunno how waterproof it really is. It was £2.50 and I think there are better ones out there. You live and learn don't you.

My god.....that's enough of that isn't it. I promise not all of my posts will be me wanging on and on about beauty shiz but I know at least two of you are interested (I'm looking at you Keggs and Natface 💕)

Anyway, anyway, anyway......cheerio!