Tales of Dating

There is something about finding yourself the only single, thirty something amongst married or nearly married pals who are all in the midst of having or have had whippersnappers that leads you to believe you're entering the 'Wilderness Years' and this draws you into thinking ‘maybe I should give internet dating another go?’

 
Now I had a flirt with web based boy searches a while ago which resulted in a few funny stories but nothing really came of it, possibly as a result of the kinds of boys I dated. (I blame myself and my terrible judge of character!)

 
The first man I ever met online/offline was slightly older, he gave good email, he seemed funny and above all....seemingly not unhinged. I thought...this could be ok. Not at all...I uncovered an enormous cowboy boot collection (enormous, like 30 odd pairs of the exact same boot! Nuts!) and evidence of an existing relationship (I hope she found out!) He also had developed a tendency to ask me “So, what’s my best feature?” “What do you like most about me?” constantly. Tedious twat!

 
After him I had a succession of nondescript dates with fairly innocuous fellows who were perfectly pleasant but all seemed to have told tall tales in the height department. Now I don’t care about height, I’m fairly fat so I say so. If there’s going to be a chance we’ll meet then it’s obvious right and I’ll probably be in heels....there’ll be some ‘towering’ going on....it’s just uncomfortable!

 
The last one and the death knell of my internet dating for a time was ‘The Copper’ or ‘PC Fuckface ‘as my pals renamed him. A gem that kept me hanging on and on for around 2 years, then disappeared, taking a healthy chunk of my self esteem with him. Frankly the less said the better.....I’ll only get badass and throw a shoe or something!

 
Anyway! Anyway! Anyway!

 
Scroll forward a bit and the ‘Wilderness Years’ are starting to bite and even my strangest friends are now all settled so I think maybe it’s changed, I’ll have another squizz at the internet. Enter a recognized free site. (I should have known) WELL.....that was a whole other ball game of bizarre!

 
I didn’t actually meet anyone off this site as the emails I received chilled me to the bone!

 
As an example, here are 3 of the loves!

 
Firstly, Mike (actual name, not his username, that would be insane and I’m not going to expose any of you to him!). Mike had two photos on his profile. A torso which ‘could’ have been his or ‘could’ have been someone he murdered? Who would know? And his car!
Mike had a strange email strategy. Seven separate emails in straight succession of a single smiley face followed by seven separate ‘Hi’ emails, closely followed by a lengthy rant as I hadn’t replied in 4.2 seconds. Apparently I am ‘a feminist bitch who would know a good man if he shagged you’. What IS he talking about? Deranged! I missed a catch here didn’t I?

 
Then there was ‘SexiBoi’ (really!). His message was straight to the point, well after I’d deciphered the ‘text speak (I’m old, shut up!)
‘Hay Bay B – U Fuc or Wot?’................And they say romance is dead! *stares*
 

Then there was ‘Dave77’. There’s always a Dave isn’t there? Not that all Dave’s are bad or odd, my Dad is a Dave and he’s frickin awesome but THIS Dave is the kind of Dave that is friends with his cat....................and only his cat.

Dave posted 12 pictures of him and his cat in weirdy poses, even the cat looked scared!

Dave talks about himself in the 3^rd person.

Dave uses his cat to narrative his life!

 
THAT’S IT ......I deleted my profile!

 
I concluded with the impression that single is good, it’s ok, it’s devoid of lunatics, I’m toooootally cool with it.

The ‘Wilderness Years’? BRING IT!

*pours 2 gins, clinks, drinks both, watches re-runs of Downton Abbey on repeat* because I can and NO this doesn’t make me as bad as Dave77!!!

 
Toodles x