There is something about finding yourself the only single, thirty something
amongst married or nearly married pals who are all in the midst of having or
have had whippersnappers that leads you to believe you're entering the
'Wilderness Years' and this draws you into thinking ‘maybe I should give
internet dating another go?’
Now I had a flirt with web based boy searches a while ago which resulted in
a few funny stories but nothing really came of it, possibly as a result of the
kinds of boys I dated. (I blame myself and my terrible judge of character!)
The first man I ever met online/offline was slightly older, he gave good
email, he seemed funny and above all....seemingly not unhinged. I thought...this
could be ok. Not at all...I uncovered an enormous cowboy boot collection
(enormous, like 30 odd pairs of the exact same boot! Nuts!) and evidence of an
existing relationship (I hope she found out!) He also had developed a tendency
to ask me “So, what’s my best feature?” “What do you like most about me?”
constantly. Tedious twat!
After him I had a succession of nondescript dates with fairly innocuous
fellows who were perfectly pleasant but all seemed to have told tall tales in
the height department. Now I don’t care about height, I’m fairly fat so I say
so. If there’s going to be a chance we’ll meet then it’s obvious right and I’ll
probably be in heels....there’ll be some ‘towering’ going on....it’s just
uncomfortable!
The last one and the death knell of my internet dating for a time was ‘The
Copper’ or ‘PC Fuckface ‘as my pals renamed him. A gem that kept me hanging on
and on for around 2 years, then disappeared, taking a healthy chunk of my self
esteem with him. Frankly the less said the better.....I’ll only get badass and
throw a shoe or something!
Anyway! Anyway! Anyway!
Scroll forward a bit and the ‘Wilderness Years’ are starting to bite and
even my strangest friends are now all settled so I think maybe it’s changed,
I’ll have another squizz at the internet. Enter a recognized free site. (I
should have known) WELL.....that was a whole other ball game of bizarre!
I didn’t actually meet anyone off this site as the emails I received chilled
me to the bone!
As an example, here are 3 of the loves!
Firstly, Mike (actual name, not his username, that would be insane and I’m
not going to expose any of you to him!). Mike had two photos on his profile. A
torso which ‘could’ have been his or ‘could’ have been someone he murdered? Who
would know? And his car!
Mike had a strange email strategy. Seven separate emails in straight succession
of a single smiley face followed by seven separate ‘Hi’ emails, closely
followed by a lengthy rant as I hadn’t replied in 4.2 seconds. Apparently I am
‘a feminist bitch who would know a good man if he shagged you’. What IS he
talking about? Deranged! I missed a catch here didn’t I?
Then there was ‘SexiBoi’ (really!). His message was straight to the point,
well after I’d deciphered the ‘text speak (I’m old, shut up!)
‘Hay Bay B – U Fuc or Wot?’................And they say romance is dead! *stares*
Then there was ‘Dave77’. There’s always a Dave isn’t there? Not that all
Dave’s are bad or odd, my Dad is a Dave and he’s frickin awesome but THIS Dave
is the kind of Dave that is friends with his cat....................and only
his cat.
Dave posted 12 pictures of him and his cat in weirdy poses, even the cat
looked scared!
Dave talks about himself in the 3
rd person.
Dave uses his cat to narrative his life!
THAT’S IT ......I deleted my profile!
I concluded with the impression that single is good, it’s ok, it’s devoid of
lunatics, I’m toooootally cool with it.
The ‘Wilderness Years’? BRING IT!
*pours 2 gins, clinks, drinks both, watches re-runs of Downton Abbey on
repeat* because I can and NO this doesn’t make me as bad as Dave77!!!
Toodles x
